my new love.

is not A person but A BANDDD :] and no its not johnny.[thats still my number one...always]
stellar kart.
wow. j'aimeeeeeeeeeeeeee. i love them. you all really need to listen to them. all there music is amazing. there on my myspace. :]

so my football game experience tonight was an interesting one. i had to go in this downpour. ughh. and in the morning i have another game. in this downpour. :[ tomorrow at noon...im offically no longer an LHS cheerleader. :[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ im going to go through sooo many withdrawls. because i cant cheer next year and im not cheering basketball unless the BEG me to. which idk i just dont want to. but i will miss it. alot. ahh im crying typing this. ok. im done.

its hurts still. just so you know.

ive been thinking...

yes. its true. ive been thinking alot. and i still dont know what im going to do. it was getting better but now. idk. im doubting my ability to do this. im doubting my strength. ive decided im being tested. God is testing me. and i dont like it. i just want to bang my head against a wall. i do NOT get it. CIY mylife was ideal. i lovedddd it. and now i come back and i sworeee school would be different. and i was right. its HARDER. and its not even because of the people at school. the people at my school are idiot. its whats going on in my life. my head and my heart are dissagreing.and its very confusing. last night. impact. was impacting. purity. wow. thats going to be something. but i had to get on my knees and give this to Him. and then i came home and showered and cried and then i went to sleep. and i couldnt sleep. kinda like unfinished business. then all the sudden i started bawling. and i got on my knees again. and im really hoping God will take this from me and//or help me get through this. i love him. accept it or not. and im letting him go. i dont want to but i have to. i fought for 6 and a half months and now in the last month im giving it up. i dont want to do this i dont want to go through this. but i have to do something this pain im going through right now is about to kill me. just pray for me now that youve listened to me complain and babble again.

i stole this from emily and it doesnt apply to this but i love it.

What your mom always said is true. Guys are turned on by what they see. And they don’t have to see a whole lot to reach overload. Even Christian guys. So, think about the unintended message you’re sending by the way you dress and how you act

i love cold weather.

NOT. i hateeeeeeee it. im sickkk and it blows. i missed monday tuesday wednesday and thursday of school. i had tonss of blood work done on thursday and were wating for some of my tests. they were almost positive i had mono. so idk we'll see on monday. friday i spent the day with danielle. funnn stuff and we went to small group. crazzzzzy ness. this morning. i had a game @ 1 i hate when they re-schedule things. now im home. and hopefully im doing something tonight but right now it looks very unlikely. but yeah anyway...im outta here.

things are getting better. :] im finally "growing up" i guess... we'll see.

:]]]]]]

homecoming.

was amazing. i doubted myself and the dance. i was not excited about it and i put no effort into it. but i loveddd it. so much better than last year. i hung out with new people and old friends and current friends as well. i loveddd it. wow. so many good times. ill try and put pics up later.
so here was my homecoming week.
monday: no school :]] woo hoo.
tuesday: cowboy day. mud volleyball which i didnt attend. no desire there.
wednesday: PAJAMA DAYY and class color. yeahh girl. anddd powederpuff. which got canceled and will soon be rescheduled.
thursday: inscet day. and the PARADEEE. crazzzy insane. i met some new football player friends. :] so fun. and the parade. minus the cold. was amazing. i saw adam and corrie and zeke. i loveee them and misssssssssssssss them. and i saw all my friends. it was great.
friday: spirit day. the game. i had to cheer till 4th quarter. ew. it was soooo cold. but it was fun. i loved it. and it was freeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzing. but we survived.
saturday: my game[which we didnt attend due to buss issues] and then the dance. and i had to go get shoes still haha. i loved the dance. wow.
sunday: church aka "the day after" the recovering day. which was well spent might i add.

i want to thank you all for helping me. i know i complain alot and im not the easiest person to tolerate. but i want to thank you for doing it. i love you all. no its not easy to deal with me but you all do it the best. im still struggling. im figuring out on my own how to deal but im still not understanding why it has to be this way. i do love him. and i want him more than anything so i dont understand why it has to be this way. but i guess its not my time or place to understand quite yet. it will work out if it was meant to be and if not, well im working on it. thanks guys. well im out. im quite sick right now. so. im going to go. lovee you all.

changes.

so im making some changes in my life. for the better. well i hope they are for the better. its going to be hard and its going to be different but, its what i need to do. as for my last topic, its getting better. well actually thats not true. im still confused. and im hurting. and its not getting easier. and im getting more and more frustrated everyday. i need more physical and emotional strength than i have and its draining me. ive been in the Bible alot and ive been praying so we will see how it turns out. i dont want to sound like im complaining anymore but im so frustrated. some mornings i just wake up and want to cry. this is the hardest thing ive faced...so far in my life. but i will get through it..i hope. :-\

any more i just dont know.

i dont understand. i dont understand how im supposed to move on. how im supposed to go on without him. i dont get it. i DO get that i need to let go. so all of you can stop telling me that. if you want to say that you better be prepared to back it up with some answers. like a] do you even understand what im going through? b] how in the world do i let go of something that is such a great part of me. c] you trying letting go of your BEST friend and the one you love and tell me how easy it is. i know none of you believe the feelings i have but your not me. you dont get it. you have no clue whats going on in my heart, my head, his heart, and his head. dont judge me or yell at me or bark orders till you try it. im so sick of being told "kayla let him go. he isnt worth it. just get over him." YOU DONT UNDERSTAND. its not that easy. i dont even understand how im supposed to do that. God put him in my life for a reason and now hes taken him away. what do i do? i want good advice. if anyone says just do it just move on. i will scream. i get i need to move on but HOW??? ok. next subject.
people who have 2 personalities
i know some people who are goody goody look at me im perfect when adults are around and when they get on the computer or around "comfortable friends" they turn into this monster whos out to destroy every friendship you've worked for. im sorry but if you feel the need to have everyones attention its not possible. sorry hun. and the fact that they think they are perfect and can get whatever they please is annoying. stop complaining. act your age. and get your own friends.
i have a low tolerance for anything lately. seriously.
its homecoming week and my life couldnt be more messed up. i need serious prayer. i need to move on. but it hurts. it hurts alot. all i do it sleep and cry. even at school. it hurts all the time. no matter what. so please just pray for me and leave me alone for a while. i cant handle anymore drama. seriously. im not trying to be mean but i need my space. i need to think this threw and heal. i need alot of help.