this may make some people mad.

like i said it may make you mad so if you dont want to read dont. i just need to vent.

so. as many of you know. calvin was in town this past week and this week. and many or should i say all of you. told me not to see him. dont worry. i didnt. but i really regret it. i wish i would of. i still like him alot. more than i realized. knowing he was here was an incredible thing. today he is gone. till april. but thats doesnt change anything. while he was here we had some..interesting phone converstations. and he still has "feelings" for me apparently.but idk. its just. i just wanna be with him all the time. and i know all of you are going to be mad but what do you want me to do about it. i miss him i cant change it and im not going to lie to you all anymore. i cant be with him. and it sucks. he has this girlfriend who were not even going to discuss but i wanna know how he loves her and says what he says to me. i dont get it. and im falling backwards on this cycle. i truly am falling apart. and i feel i cant do anything about it. its so complicated. im sitting here crying. all the time. and i just want to be with him and i dont understand

why this is happening to me. why cant God just let us be together or take these feelings away? i dont want to be tested anymore. i want it to be over.

christmas.

wasnt bad. :]]

it was great. i got tons of stuff and now i just need to use it.

i got...

--a new phone :]]]]]] new number so get it from me. :]]] yayy [[unlimited texting :]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

---more scraping stuff than i could ever ask for. or so alblums and over 2,000 pieces of paper. :] cutting boards and stencils and borders and stickers. scrap heavennn :] who wants to scrap?!?

-- clothes. :]

---tons of tink stuff :]

-- 3 jeremy camp cds :]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

---nicholas sparks books and 2 christian love and war stories :] yay

---new boots :]]]

--a sketch book and shading pencils YAY :]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

--- idk what else.. some gift cards.

and i still have one more christmas to celebrate with my moms side. :]] eekness.

well let me know what ya'll got :]

hope your breaks are good.

xoxoxo

hm.

so i really need to learn to blog.

ha. so last night was interesting. PH;;danielle;;hoss;;&em all came to my game :] thanks guys. it was an interesting game. alot of bickering between cheerleaders and pointless yelling towards kayla. but im over it. so this week and next will be interesting to see if i survive. :[[[[[[[[ i need prayer please. im batteling my heart vs my head. :[ no fun. so idk.

new topic.

ive decided i HATEEEEEEE these two phrases.

1.] Happy Holidays.

2.] Happy Christmas.

happy holidays sounds like you dont know the person well enough to know there religion or your not willing to stand up for yours. its just ridiculous. i cringe at the sound of it.

and happy christmas. isnt right. its MERRY CHRISTMAS. you dont say merry holidays do you? no. its merrry christmas. ugh. i hate it when people say that.

anyway; i hope you all have a MERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY CHRISTMAS. :] and a great new year. and we all need to hang out over break. mk mk?

later gators.

christmas.

is in 15 days.

and kayla is stoked. this next few weeks will be amazing. ah i cant wait.

so im kinda....struggling with some things right now. so. if you all could just keep me in your prayers. i need strength. lots of it. :]

merry christmas peps. i love you all.