this may make some people mad.

like i said it may make you mad so if you dont want to read dont. i just need to vent.

so. as many of you know. calvin was in town this past week and this week. and many or should i say all of you. told me not to see him. dont worry. i didnt. but i really regret it. i wish i would of. i still like him alot. more than i realized. knowing he was here was an incredible thing. today he is gone. till april. but thats doesnt change anything. while he was here we had some..interesting phone converstations. and he still has "feelings" for me apparently.but idk. its just. i just wanna be with him all the time. and i know all of you are going to be mad but what do you want me to do about it. i miss him i cant change it and im not going to lie to you all anymore. i cant be with him. and it sucks. he has this girlfriend who were not even going to discuss but i wanna know how he loves her and says what he says to me. i dont get it. and im falling backwards on this cycle. i truly am falling apart. and i feel i cant do anything about it. its so complicated. im sitting here crying. all the time. and i just want to be with him and i dont understand

why this is happening to me. why cant God just let us be together or take these feelings away? i dont want to be tested anymore. i want it to be over.